I'm a Coward

It's not my intention to cut myself down with this post. I'm a big believer in the power of words so I'm cognizant of the dangers of writing like this. But I also have to be honest. Honest with myself and honest with you. This has been on my mind recently and I believe it to be worth exploring here.

And honestly, I'm a coward. Whether at work, at home or with the Lord Himself, I am likely to cut and run, or at the very least avoid. I talk a big talk, say all the right things and say them in the right way, but in far too many instances, I am a coward.

I'm a coward at work in the fact that I'm far more comfortable in a world of e-mail and websites. Don't get me wrong, those are important and they are the wave of the future, but I sometimes use them instead of interacting with people. When the phone rings, my first thought is "shoot, what if I don't have the answer?" It's frightening to think I might not be in control and if they'd e-mail me instead I'd be better prepared.

Then there's my friends. Well, acquaintances is more appropriate 'cause I don't really have any close friends. I'm not 100% sure why, but I know some of it is me. Yeah I'm busy, and so are all of them (I hate to bother people), but still, something's just not right. Why don't I engage more?

Cowardice.

Which brings me to my family and where it gets tricky. See, with them I'm a coward twice. First, I just don't dive into everything like I should. Oh we all get along fine and all; beautifully actually. But, there's not enough time together, not enough connecting, not enough simply hanging, loving and laughing.

And here's the second part: I've tried to change these things and have all but given up. Experience has taught me - not just at home - that I don't matter. The failed attempts to change the status quo confirm that it's no longer worth the risk. It's just easier and more comfortable to "be okay with it."

Cowardice.

What I know though, is that this is important. It's a pattern. A pattern of found in general in men, but also specifically in me. The pattern in men is most tragically illustrated at the tree in the garden. You know, when the man kept silent while his wife changed the entire course of human history? Yeah, that's me.

But there's also been an attack. An attack since childhood to convince me that I don't matter. Through a long period where my mom dealt with illness, I learned to "be okay." The family was dealing with far too much for there to be room for much else, so I lived my life dutifully and happily.

And disconnected.

I learned that there wasn't room for what I wanted, needed or desired. I never starved or anything, that's not what I'm saying, I'm talking about the heart. And so I drifted into adulthood with a crippling ability to exist and exist well.

Thankfully God messed that up and taught me that we're meant for far more than existence. But true life doesn't come without a fight and cowards don't fight well. Take if from me.

But then again, I am fighting. Sometimes on the outside, but definitely on the inside. I'm fighting with perceptions, filters and misconceptions that if left unchecked will continue to allow me to hide. And I don't want to hide.

"The kingdom of heaven suffers violence and violent men take it by force." (Matt: 11:12)

I will fight. Passionately from strength and faith. I will fight to move from survival to life. Conversation to engagement. Love to passion. Cowardice to courage.

I will live full alive.