Shoulders of a Man

I read a captivating collection of insight, truth, beauty and sorrow yesterday entitled "A Wife's Eyes are the Window to a Man's Soul." It was written by Randy Elrod and I encourage you to read it here. Actually, implore would be a more accurate word - GO READ IT!

I suspect this will develop into a series, but I at least have to talk about the weight of Randy's observations and the fact that this weight is squarely on the shoulders of the man. Though the cliche "when momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" might be amusing, it is wrong. The truth is that when daddy ain't a man, ain't nobody happy. And I've grown to accept and appreciate this fact as you'll see below.

The mantle of leadership in a marriage sits squarely on the shoulders of the man. It cannot be removed, it is not there by the choice of either individual and it is there whether the two parties involved recognize it or not.

Three thoughts:

1. I know I'm on the thin ice of "wives be in submission to your husband" and the associated abusive actions, teachings and destroyed families. But that just proves the point. The leadership in a marriage - good, bad or indifferent - decides it's fate. And the leadership is the man.
2. The weight of this mantle is crushing. It is of grave importance, difficult to do well, hard to define and under constant attack from both the world and the wife. It's supposed to be. As Randy states, this is about the measure of a man and no man can be a man without overcoming challenges and adversity (no woman either).
3. The mantle can be managed, and it can be managed well. How? Submission.
   

I've found that the only way to successful manage this mantle of authority is to submit to both the role itself and the One who bestowed it. This helps me shut out my gut reactions of wanting to run, hide, cower or control - and believe me, I want to do all of those ALL the time. Instead, I remind myself that if I'm in the role, I must therefore be "qualified." At the same time though, I am deeply aware that I'm not qualified at all and cannot succeed without the guidance and council of God in all matters.

It's a delicate balance because it's easy to get it wrong. I spend my life going back and forth between "I'm the MAN" and "here God, fix this!" It's ugly. And damaging. When I hit the right balance though, it's power-ful for those around me and myself.

The mantle of leadership in a marriage is bestowed upon the man for the purpose of blessing. it is meant to not only bless the wife, children and community (the world), it is meant to bless the man. Reread the final section of Randy's post with this in mind and imagine the man who's wife has "Fulfilled Eyes".

Do you think he's blessed? Blessed indeed.

A Wife's Concerns

I found this list on my phone today as I cleaned it out for a swap. Thought I'd share someone's perspective on the items of concern for a wife:

1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and openness
4. Financial security
5. Family commitment

Beyond saying "yes and amen", I have two thoughts: financial security does not mean riches, it means bringing #'s 1, 2, 3, and 5 into your finances and I'd add a sixth: Be a man who leads from strength.

Marriage Necessities 3

After discussing Faith in God and Commitment to Marriage in my post Marriage Necessities 1 & 2, I bring you number 3:

3    Commitment to each other

Faith in God and/or commitment to marriage can sustain a marriage. Either of them will do if your goal is to simply stay married.

But neither of these encourage engagement. They don't require anything of the individuals involved except adherence to rules. And a marriage between to disengaged rule followers can never be healthy, happy, passionate and fruitful.

A healthy marriage requires commitment to each other. It's not enough to commit to marriage, you have to commit to the PERSON you're married too. And this is where most marriages fail because it's hard.

It's hard to set aside our ambitions, desires and needs for another person. Never mind the fact that we rarely ever end up truly giving them up, but it does require that level of selflessness. You have to be committed to the other person and their ambitions, desires and needs.

And that is the magic of marriage. When you get beyond the "I'm married because I believe it's important to God" and the "I'll stay married because it's the right thing to do" you run headlong into the "I have to live with this person. Everyday. Forever."

And the only way to make that work is to grow inside. Open up. Let it out. Risk rejection. Ask questions. Listen. Answer questions truthfully. Do it all again. And again. This time more, deeper and more real.

Keep going. 

And in the process you change. You become relational. Engaged. More whole. And you are better for it. And so is your spouse.

And so is our world.

--to be continued --

Marriage Necessities 1 & 2

I recently found a blog I recommend called Simple Marriage. A few weeks ago they conducted a simple poll on the “necessities of marriage." Participants were asked to list the five or six most important things for a successful marriage. It got me thinking. And when I think, I write.

So here we go:

1 - Faith in God

I don’t know how people who don’t believe in God stay married.

No really, I don’t.

Which brings me immediately to my next necessity:

2 - Commitment to marriage

You have to be committed to something larger than yourself and larger than each other. Marriage is such a thing.

Marriage is the bedrock foundation of not only all of society, but most of the Word of God. From the early verses of Genesis to the end of the book, God’s heart for marriage is certain: it matters. Greatly. The fact that The Church (capitalized) is referred to as His bride clearly illustrates the importance of the covenant of marriage.

And covenant is key. Marriage is first and foremost a covenant. It’s a promise. And it can’t survive without it.

I don’t care how beautiful, handsome, talented, wonderful and/or PERFECT your spouse is, there will come a day when, well, you won’t like them. On top of that, there will always – and I mean always – be someone MORE beautiful, handsome, talented and/or PERFECT. And I promise you will meet them.

Often.

Everywhere.

Of course they won’t really be all those things, but it’ll feel like it when you meet them. And did I mention you will meet them? I promise you will.

My marriage could have ended multiple times were it not for our commitment to the covenant itself. But understand this, I am NOT saying that we have toughed it out because we don’t believe in divorce. I’m saying that we’ve always found the tools, assistance and support we’ve needed to make it work because we don’t believe in divorce. Out belief in marriage has always provided the motivation to figure out how to make it work. We’ve always figured it out and we always will.

One last thing on commitment to marriage: the absence of the word “your”. I’m not saying commitment to YOUR marriage, I’m saying commitment to marriage. Period.

This isn’t to say that the other person doesn’t matter, of course, but I'll cover that in Marriage Necessities 3.

21 Years With Beauty

Here's what I wrote about our 21st Anniversary this past February:

21 years ago today, after 26 days of dating and 3 months of engagement, Jill and I were married.

That we're still together after 21 years is not a surprise. Of course I'm amazed, thankful, awed, intermittently frustrated and hopeful, but not at all surprised.

I'm amazed because Jill is far more beautiful today than the day we were married - and that is saying a lot. What takes away my breath, though, is the depth of her beauty. It comes from a righteous heart tempered by many storms and struggles, that is determined to grow in faith. A heart that is determined to turn those struggles into victories. A heart that is growing in the realization of purpose and direction.

I'm thankful to a God that has never let us forget that we knew we were to be married and that divorce was NOT an option. More specifically, I'm thankful that on the days that one of us DID forget, the other one didn't. In the end, the fact that both of us have fought for the marriage when the other has forgotten has made what we have all the richer.

I'm awed by the character of Jill. She has stuck by a man that has not always been worthy. She has held tight to God and His promises even when I was working against His plan. She has advised, nurtured, loved and supported until the man that she saw and the marriage she believed in became a reality. She has also touched others, starting wih our children. I will never be able to repay her for the sacrifice, based solely on blind faith, of homeschooling Kayce and Jennah. They are what they are because their mom has laid down so much to just BE there.

I'm intermittently frustrated and hopeful because that's life. Our life is not perfect and we've both bent, twisted, altered and given up on our hopes and dreams until it hurts. Man it hurts. But then there's the deep place inside that says stop and look closer - WOW. I have hope that despite laying down so much, what we've built and will CONTINUE to build is far beyond anything I could've ever imagined.

Yes, I'm amazed, thankful, awed, intermittently frustrated and hopeful, but not at all surprised. I'm not surprised that we've lasted 21 years. The day we got married, we knew it was for life. That was our desire, hope and plan. And I'm not surprised that in the tough times - and there have been the worst imaginable tough times - God met us with exactly what we needed to stay together.

I'm not surprised there have been tough times. Joshua makes it clear why there are "giants in the land" and I'm thankful for them. We have a depth and richness to our relationship born out of those times. Jill and I have fought, clawed, sweated and bled for what we have and we are wealthy for it. We have lived life, and lived it to the full. And what a life it's been.

Happy Anniversary Jill.